Hollywood Offender

Pick up Artist

Tom Cruise and tired-ass Katie Holmes were mincing down the sidewalk New York City, looking for people to enslave into Scientology, when a photographer that was following them went ass over teakettle on to the sidewalk.

Katie Holmes: Zombie Brides On Broadway

It's really a shame that that's not the name of the play she'll be appearing in on Broadway, as the future ex-Mrs. Cruise has that undead look down pat.  So Katie Holmes is in NYC starting rehearsals for her upcoming role in Arthur Miller's "All My Sons."  Already.  The play doesn't even open for previews for close to four months and yet, there she is, rehearsing.  That Katie--what a pro!  Or someone who needs a whole lotta work, you decide.

I did truly appreciate Playbill's story about the casting, though.  Three paragraphs of the wonderful accomplishments of John Lithgow, Dianne Weist, and Patrick Wilson, spilling over with Oscar, Emmy, Golden Globe and Tony Awards recognition.  And then, this:

"Katie Holmes has been seen on screen in "Batman Begins," "Disturbing Behavior," "Teaching Mrs. Tingle," "Pieces of April" and "Dawson's Creek." All My Sons will mark the actress' Broadway debut. Holmes is married to film actor Tom Cruise."

Everybody sing: "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things does not belong..."

Can you believe they put her schmarriage in her credits?  Though, I grant you, it is her biggest role to date.  Inspired write-up.  I'm so enamored I want to jump on a couch, call it amazing, get it pregnant, and make it convert to Scientology.  Now that's love!

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Tom Cruise Threatens Baby Store With Lawsuit

Tom Cruise really needs to get a new hobby.  Yoga, maybe.  That way, when he gets his undies in a knot over something, whether that be a bad e-meter reading or David Beckham not wanting to play nude Twister with him, he can just do downward-facing dog (though I'm sure he's already familiar with that position) instead of siccing his lawyers on the first available person.

This time, Tommy has sent a cease and desist letter to the baby boutique, Le Petit Tresor.  Tommy claims that the store has been talking to the tabloids and leaking information about how much money he and Katie Holmes spend to outfit Suri.  He says they told "Life & Style" magazine that they had spent $350,000 to $400,000 in the past two years and that was a big, fat lie.

I'm sure it's more like $700,000.  Please.  You think the Stepford Wife is going to clothe the Princess Suri in anything but the best?  I mean, it's not like we haven't seen her shopping away entire weeks.

Tom claims that the store violated his confidentiality by leaking the information.  Um, what?  Does he make everyone he comes in contact with sign a confidentiality agreement?  I mean, I could understand having your hired help sign them--wouldn't want Harriet the maid telling the tabloids about his secret bondage room--but a store? 

Sounds like Tommy's basic scare tactic.  The letter states:

"Please do not say anything (whether true or false) about Mr. Cruise's and Ms. Holmes' shopping habits."

Funny.  Because I have the memory of an elephant, I remember Petit Tresor being interviewed by one of the entertainment shows when Katie was pregnant.  They talked about all the different toys and clothes that she and her amazing man had registered for in anticipation of their publicity tool bundle of joy.  I guess the store talking about that was perfectly OK, as that's when Tommy was pimping out the pregnancy.  But, now, two years later when everyone is sick of them, he suddenly wants everyone to play by a new set of rules. 

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It's Official: Katie Holmes To Star On Broadway

Somewhere, in whatever version of an afterlife you believe in, Arthur Miller is wondering if it's possible to off yourself when you're already dead.  Yes, it's true: after much rumor and speculation (and snickering from me), Katie Holmes has signed on for a role in Miller's "All My Sons," Variety reports.

That's right--come this fall, if you're lucky and have about a hundred bucks to throw away, you can see the Stepford Wife's Broadway debut.  Her costars--John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest and Patrick Wilson-- are already off boozing it up and crying "why, why, why me?"

No word yet on whether Tommy will be accompanying his possession wife to NYC.  And, yes, that was a joke, as the Kate-bot's microchip doesn't allow her to be any further than 200 yards away from Maverick.  C'mon, he paid good money for that.  He's only protecting his investment.

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Suri Cruise: The Tap Dance Kid

The Queen of Scientology, Katie Holmes, took daughter Suri to tap dance class yesterday.  On the plus side?  The kid has shoes on for a change.  But...no socks with tap shoes?  Shouldn't that kind of pain be limited to divas on a red carpet?  I picture that poor kid's feet covered in blisters.  Someone save Suri!

I am, however, hoping that tap class is Suri's first step towards freedom.  She's got to strengthen those little legs in order to run far, far away from her crazy parents.  Though, let's face it, the kid should be taller than Daddy Tommy in about 5 months.  That right there will give her a huge advantage.

P.S. Did Katie cut her bangs again?  Between the hair and the glasses, she's really channeling Johnny Depp's Willie Wonka.

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Katie Holmes To Grace The Great White Way

I purposely picked a photo of the Katie-Bot with Tommy Cruise just on the edge of the picture because, even when it's about Katie?  Tom is always lurking in the periphery.  Broadway producers better be aware of this if OK! magazine is correct.  Because that rumor that Katie was going to attempt (emphasis on attempt) to conquer Broadway?  Apparently it's true.

Per the tabloid, Katie has just signed on to star in a revival of Arthur Miller's "All My Sons" come this fall.  Producer Eric Falkenstein thinks the Stepford Wife would be just perfect for the role of Ann Deever.  Huh.  It's been awhile since I read the play: was she an automaton? 

"Katie is very well suited for the role of Ann.There is an additional layer of soul to Ann and from the work I've seen of Katie, she has always impressed with multi-faceted characters. She would nail it."

Ah, yes.  Her work in "Batman Begins" where she varied from dull to mindnumbingly insipid really put that range on display. 

Oh, and Falkenstein isn't worried that Katie's "star power" will overshadow her acting ability.  Dude, a twenty-watt lightbulb has more power than her acting ability.

"Despite being in the spotlight and her celebrity status, the fact remains that she has a tremendous record of performances.  I think Katie is a tremendous actor. Whenever she decides to come to the stage she'll be terrific."

An announcement is expected within the next ten days.  Let's see if OK! actually gets one right for a change.

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Tom Cruise's Perfect Date Disaster

This story, from the National Enquirer,  just made my day.  Not only that, it gave me a new appreciation for David Beckham.  Because anyone who goads Tommy Cruise?  Cannot be all bad.

So, picture this: Little Tommy desperately wants to spend time with his man-crush, David.  And what better way than to suggest a little sweaty, grueling physical activity.  After all, it allows for the possibility that Becks might just take off his shirt and flash those yummy pecs.  A gal can hope. 

So the friends go for a run up a twisting canyon in L.A.  They start out slow, but then David sprints ahead, leaving Tommy to huff and puff to catch back up.  Just when he does?  Becks starts running backwards and taunting Maverick.

Tom tried to yell back, but was so out of breath he had to stop to try and suck some air back into his 'can't-handle-the-truth-that-he's-not-twenty-five-anymore' lungs.  Then--and this is the best part--Becks yells:

"Oh, come on, don't quit.  I promise I'll let you keep up."

Tom must've known when he was beat at his own game and just shook his head and walked back to his car.  No doubt wondering where his plans for the perfect date had gone terribly, terribly wrong.  No after work-out rubdowns, no mutual stretching, nada.  Oh, the humanity!

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Victoria Beckham: "Hardy Men" Cameo and a Move Back To Britain?

Rumor has it that Victoria Beckham will has a cameo role in the new Tom Cruise film, "Hardy Men," after being asked to appear by Cruise himself.

As the story goes, during Victoria's recent 34th birthday bash, she was reportedly "speechless" after Cruise not only asked her to design the costumes for the film, but to also make a cameo appearance, as well.

Victoria seemed to do quite well last year when she appeared on "Ugly Betty" as a bridesmaid for the character of Wilhelmina Slater {played by Vanessa Williams}, so I'd bet she'll do quite well in a feature film cameo, too. 

The film will also co-star Ben Stiller.

The rumor comes hot on the heels of yet more hush-hush speculation that the Beckham's may be considering a move back across the pond, especially after it was reported that the pair had hired an LA company to design a new home back in Britain.

A rep for the pair insists:

"Victoria has said if they ever move back to the U.K. they will move to central London but there are no plans at the moment."

Tomkat: The Picture Of Normalcy?

Suri's got the right idea.  I'd plug my ears up, too, if only to stop the endless stream of "I love you/no, I love YOU"'s, followed by Daddy's donkey bray and Mommy talking about her loves of cupcakes. 

So here's Scientology's First Family taking in an L.A. Galaxy soccer game on Saturday night.  You know Tom--a week's not complete unless he can stare intently at Golden Balls.  It's not easy having an unrequited crush.  All that scribbling "Mrs. Tom Beckham" on his notebook for naught!

Katie--oh, I'm sorry, Kate--looks her usual vacant self.  I am fascinated by her hair, though.  It's looking more and more Little Lord Fauntleroy every day.  She's transitioned quite quickly into looking like a clone of her husband...only more masculine.  It's probably because she loves him so much that when she's away from him she can just look in the mirror and still see him.  Which sounds like an episode of "The Twilight Zone" but to each her own.

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Someone Muzzle Kelly Preston

For reasons I can't figure out, someone at Extra (via OK! magazine) decided now would be a good time to interview Kelly Preston.  She has no movies about to come out, she's got nothing going on...hey, I get it, must've been a slow news day, but still--couldn't they find anyone else?  No?  OK, then.

So what exactly did Mrs. John Travolta have to say?  Well, lots--as per usual.  She's always very eager to talk about her totally heterosexual husband and her smoking hot marriage and her fantastic kids (well, at least her daughter; she sort of glosses over son, Jett).  Because, like all her fellow Scientologists, life is perfect. 

On keeping the family together away from L.A.:

"We don't really live in L.A..  We live in Florida. We've got our kids, do a lot of very normal things there. We ride golf carts, swim, rollerblade...We try to keep the family together as much as humanly possible."

As to whether there's any competition between her and her Johnny, she says absolutely not!

"There's no competition at all. I'm married one of the biggest movie stars in the world. To even think about that would be silly. I'm so proud of him. He's the greatest."

She was one "amazing" shy of channeling Katie Holmes.  Eerie, isn't it?  All the Scientology brides sound exactly the same.  It's almost as if they were programmed.  But, nah, THAT couldn't be it.

Speaking of Tom Cruise (well, sort of, since Katie is only an extension of Tommy), Kelly, naturally, had to put her two cents in about Maverick's three-year-old Oprah couch-jumping incident.

"To be honest, I felt sad that I live in a society where we can't show pure joy if you're excited. He's passionate, so he showed some unbridled emotion. Good for him. It was just spun out of control."

Oh, good god, shut up!  You know what I feel is sad?  That any criticism of little Tommy brings out a rabid pack of fellow Scientologists, bearing their teeth and ready to attack anyone who messes with one of their own--even if it's because one of their own is just plain nuts. 

More of this scintillating interview airs tonight on Extra.  I suppose if you really have nothing else to do, up to and including alphabetizing your pantry, it might be a great way to kill off a few brain cells.

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