Hollywood Offender

Hollywood Babylon: It's Back!

You know, everyone thinks Hollywood is a cesspool of epic proportions today, but please!  It's always been that way.  And if you love smutty, celebrity dirt as much as I do (and if you don't, what's wrong with you?  Ya got morals or something?), then have I got a book for you. 

Years and years ago, a book called Hollywood Babylon dished on all the dirty secrets of old Hollywood.  And now--finally--there's an updated version ready to go.  Hollywood Babylon--It's Back is coming out on June 1st and promises to be even more salacious and scintillating.  I don't shock easily, if at all, so I definitely need to give this book a read and see what sort of tales it exposes. 

Oh, and any book that has a psychotic picture of Tomkat in straight jackets as part of its cover art is immediately all right with me.

Star Jones Vs. Barbara Walters

Oh, it's on!  You just knew Star Jones was not going to sit back quietly while Barbara Walters went on every talk show in creation and talked about how Star had gastric bypass surgery and then "made" her "View" co-hosts lie about it.  As if that's news.  But, still, Star being Star, she had to shoot her mouth off.  And, I have to admit, I love low blow she took.  C'mon, it makes for great copy--which I'm sure Star is well aware of.  Her response?

“It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book.  It speaks to her true character.”

OMG, that is twelve shades of awesome.  It's like when Donald Trump pulled-everything-off-the-shelves-and-insulted-Rosie O'Donnell-awesome.  You know it ticked Babs off, enough for her rep to snip:

"I will not dignify this with a comment. Barbara's written words say it all!"

Um, yeah, that's the point Star was making.  I love a PO'd Babs.  She's such an old fossil.  I predict a ten-minute "View" segment on "what happens when former co-workers turn against you" by Friday. 

Related:

Barbara Walters' Affair With A Married Man

Miley's Seven-Figure Book Deal

Fifteen-year-old Miley Cyrus signed a seven-figure book deal on Tuesday with Disney Book Groups.  The book will focus on her road to stardom, with special emphasis on how her family, her mother in particular, keeps her from becoming the next Britney Spears.  Or Lindsay Lohan.  Or Paris Hilton.

Well, you get the idea.

Per Disney, who's going to bleed this puppy dry - seriously, I expect the stationary, Miley Cyrus Papyrus, any day now (that's MINE, Disney!  Back off!) - the book will feature "never before seen photos" (not even on her MySpace?), family stories, and a look at Miley's inner circle.

Per the teen queen:

"I am so excited to let fans in on how important my relationship with my family is to me.  I hope to motivate mothers and daughters to build lifetimes of memories together, and inspire kids around the world to live their dreams."

The book is scheduled to be released next spring, right around the time of the Hannah Montana movie. I'm sure that Disney will be selling the books in the lobbies of the theaters to all the tweeners who adore this kid.  And they do, trust me.  My niece is one of them.  She's going to see The Jonas Brothers in concert in July and I asked her "Oh, is Miley going to be performing, too?"  She screamed "I WISH!"  I totally knew she wasn't, I just had to harass my niece. Why?  Because I can.

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Related:

Miley Cyrus Earns More Than Jessica Alba

Hannah Montana Gets Sued

Hannah Montana Is Hot For The Holidays

"My Beautiful Mommy" - Or Now I've Heard Everything

Finally a book that has been waiting to be told.  Big Tent Books is putting out a children's picture book to help kids deal with the fears and questions that they have when mommy gets plastic surgery.  The book, "My Beautiful Mommy," will tell the story of a mother who gets a tummy tuck and a nose job and was written by Dr. Michael Salzhauer.

"Many parents don't explain to their kids what's going on.  Children are very perceptive. You can't hide a major surgery from them. When mom goes down for two weeks after a tummy tuck it affects them."

My favorite part--get this:  there are illustrations in the book showing a mother with a big beak and saggy skin on her tummy (which she's showing off in a half shirt) picking up her daughter from school and taking her with her for a consult with "Dr. Michael."  Gee, wonder where he came up with that name.

The book will be available on April 28 with the first 4,400 copies available via the company's website.  The general manager of Big Tent's parent company, Whimsical LLC, thinks the book will be a great addition to plastic surgeons' offices and for moms in L.A....I mean moms undergoing cosmetic procedures.

Salzhauer says the book is definitely needed:

"My patients do worry about their children when they're going through this.  The book just goes toward trying to make the process as understandable as possible for the kids, so they can feel included and don't have to make things up in their minds on what's going on."

What's with all this honesty?  What's the matter with "Mommy's in bed because she has a hangover--now go do your homework?"

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Rowling Defends "Harry Potter"

Author J.K. Rowling said in a New York courtroom Monday that a lexicon based on her "Harry Potter" books is both sloppy and incorrect.

The Wall Street Journal reported that Warner Brothers and Rowling are suing RDR Books for copyright infringement for publishing Steven Vander Ark's unauthorized reference book, "The Harry Potter Lexicon."

"Should my fans be flooded with a surfeit of substandard books - so-called lexicons - I'm not sure I'd have the will or heart to continue."

The report said she also described Vander Ark's book as sloppy, lazy and incorrect.

Rowling later issued a statement explaining it gives her no pleasure to take legal action against the publishers.

"I feel very strongly about an important issue that affects everyone and not just me, she said. If books that plagiarize other works are permitted, authors, fans and readers stand to lose. There are lots of books in many languages that comment on or criticize 'Harry Potter,' and that's fine. But the book in this case is different. It provides no analysis and virtually no commentary. It takes far too much and it offers precious little in return."

Tom Cruise Calls Out The Lawyers...Again

Note to any would-be authors out there with a Tom Cruise story to tell: you might want to change the names to protect the guilty if you have a prayer in Hell of seeing the tale get to print.  Like, call him Tim Cluise or something.  Trust me, that minor change will be enough to throw him off the scent.  Just a word of advice. 

If only Randy Jones, aka the cowboy from "The Village People," had thought to do this.  Perhaps then we'd all get to read about the time he met Tommy--er, I mean Timmy--back in 1982, when Tom was still  just a kid and the stick hadn't yet found its home in his backside.  As Randy tells it:

"Tom and I had the same management company at the time.  I met him at a party Andy Warhol threw for Peter Gatien's Limelight [nightclub offshoot] in Atlanta."

Let me guess: there were lots of men in leather chaps serving pink ladies while Bette Midler's greatest hits were being piped in.  Unfortunately, we'll never know, as after Tom's attorney heard about this book and made a few calls, suddenly the book's editor said that part of the book?  Buh-bye.

I can only hope that Suri is taking copious notes and, one day, we'll finally get that tell-all.  I'm counting on you, Suri!

Related:

Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes: Strong Black Women

Is Tom Cruise Just Misunderstood?

Cher And Tom Cruise: What Could Have Been

Tom Cruise's "Friends" Come To His Defense

Tom Cruise Has All The Answers

Will And Tom: The Love They Dare Not Speak

Bobby Brown's Tell-All: This Is Gonna Be Good

Long before Britney went off the rails and Tomkat started slobbering all over each other on red carpets worldwide, there was Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston.  If you took every irritating celebrity couple and picked their most obnoxious trait?  You'd have Bobby and Whitney.  And then they took all that dysfunction and made it into a reality show.  Man, I still miss "Being Bobby Brown."  Pure comedy gold.

Anyway, the couple finally got divorced last year after 15 hilarious years together, and now Bobby has written an autobiography, "The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But."  Page Six has a few excerpts from the book (that comes out next month).  Funnily enough, I just had a long conversation with a friend last night about celebrity autobiographies.  We agreed the best ones to read are filled with lots of debauchery and sex.  I mean, do we really care otherwise?  Don't try and act above it all--you over there?  I'm talking to you.  You love to get down in the dirt with the rest of us, and I think Bobby's up to the task of providing it. 

On Whitney and drugs:

"I never used cocaine until after I met Whitney. Before then, I had experimented with other drugs, but marijuana was my drug of choice.At one point in my life, I used drugs uncontrollably. I was using everything I could get my hands on, from cocaine to heroin, weed and cooked cocaine."

About their crazy marriage:

"I think we got married for all the wrong reasons. Now, I realize Whitney had a different agenda than I did when we got married . . . I believe her agenda was to clean up her image, while mine was to be loved and have children."

He says Whitney was under a lot of pressure to be America's Sweetheart and rumors of her having a lesbian relationship with her assistant, Robin Crawford, were hurting her image, hence the solution was to get married.  Because only straight people get married.  Man, were we ever that naive?

Bobby does admit he was no choir boy (there's a shocker), saying:

"I am guilty of sleeping with other women . . . Women are always throwing themselves at you. I'm only human, so I would make the mistake and bite the hook sometimes . . . I let the testosterone take over."

Unsurprisingly, Whitney's reps have made no comments on the book.  I so hope she does, though.  Whitney smackdowns are alway so amusing.  As this book is sure to be. 

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Chris Farley's Final Days

I can't believe it's been over 10 years since Chris Farley died.  His humor may have been sophomoric, but I defy you not to laugh while watching "Tommy Boy."  It's one of my all-time guilty pleasure movies.  Chris and David Spade singing along to The Carpenters?  C'mon, how is that not comedy gold?  Not to mention all his great "Saturday Night Live" work.  "Living in a van down by the river?"  One of the best lines ever!

So, yeah, I was a fan and his death was just tragic any way you cut it.  And his friends saw the tragedy coming, but felt they couldn't do anything to prevent it.  Several of them are quoted in a new book, "The Last Days of Chris Farley, co-written by Chris' brother, Tom, and Tanner Colby.  A few excerpts will appear in May's issue of Playboy (via Page Six).

Chevy Chase (confronting Farley after an SNL reunion show rehearsal): "Look, you're not John Belushi. And when you overdose or kill yourself, you will not have the same acclaim that John did . . . You'll be a blip in the New York Times obituaries page, and that'll be it. Is that what you want?"

And from David Spade: "I got a lot of s - - - at the end about 'Why weren't you there for him?' But being that close, I dealt with it all the time. And in that situation, before the guy's dead, he's just kind of an a - -hole. Truth is, you get a junkie who's wasted all the time and moody and angry and trying to knock you around, you say, 'OK, you go do that, and I'll be over here.' "

Anyone who's ever had any experience with a drug addict knows how true that is.  I'm really torn as to whether I want to read this book.  It sounds totally depressing.  Eh, who am I kidding?  My natural curiosity (read: thirst for even the grimmest of stories) will most likely get the best of me (but in a good way...at least that's what I like to tell myself).

Daily Offenders

You Can Buy The Clothes Off Britney's Back - The Superficial

Pam Anderson And Tommy Lee Can't Stay Away From Each Other - A Socialite's Life

That John Mayer Is Just Hilarious - Mollygood

Courtney Love Relocating To England? Dare We Hope? - I'm Not Obsessed

Jessica Alba Smiling; End Of Days Near - PopSugar

P. Diddy Shows Off His Girls - The Evil Beet

Once Upon A Time, J.K. Rowling Considered Suicide - Dlisted

Daily Offenders

Is That Frenchie From "Grease?" No, It's Amy Winehouse! - Seriously? OMG! WTF?

Badass Wussies Of The Silver Screen - City Rag

The Olsen Twins Latest Endeavor - Dlisted

Ashton And Tyra Team Up For TV Series; End Of Days Near - Mollygood

Is Britney Knocked Up? - Gabsmash

Janet Jackson Needs A Reinvention - Ayyyy

Brittany Murphy Is A Diva - IDLYITW